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Bloom For Me

Dear You,

I waste so much time wishing that I could be living in a different set of circumstances. Too much time and energy is thrown away by making these silly wishes and I am gradually approaching the place where I will be ready to move past these senseless dreams.

I can clearly remember being very young with my wild imagination, that is still both a very active blessing and a sort of curse all in one. There were many times when I would sit alone in my room and fantasize about being someone else, all in hopes of feeling secure inside my own shoes. I have this vivid memory of visiting family friends one afternoon with my own family when I was no more than 7 years old. With painstaking attentiveness, I found myself observing this couple’s interactions between themselves and their baby. They were so evidently in love, so at peace, and they appeared to be perfectly whole. After much scrutiny, I immediately became filled with envy. I wanted that love, that contentment, without having to go through the struggles of life to find it. I wanted to simply fast forward through my childhood and my teenage years. Past every part of my coming life and stop at the time in my life where I would have matured into a happy and loved me.

Now I see that I was looking for fulfillment in very faulty places; only looking at the shallow image of two people’s lives, without piercing into the heart of who they truly were–flawed humans. I was in fact loved by many around me, I just didn’t see or feel it in the way that I had so desired. This couple’s life was no where near perfection. I know that everyone has their own trials, but there was no reasoning with my young and foolish heart back then. Yet, as much as I craved being grown up and passing through my childhood, I also had no desire to enter into adulthood. (An oxymoron that still lingers within my soul.) I was so scared. I was scared of the responsibilities, pressures, and stresses that my young eyes saw would come with adult life and I was scared of staying young, as I relentlessly craved the immediate entrance into my future.

So within all of this confusion, mixed with a great desire to be whole, I was—and still am in some ways—a two in one package. I was Peter Pan and I was Wendy.

I was Peter Pan. I thirsted for adventure and a carefree life. I absolutely knew that adult life would only bring heartache and pain. I wanted to do everything in my power to stay very far away from all that growing up entailed. But I was also Wendy; both sides of her. I loved my simple freedoms and wanted to stay in them indefinitely, but deep down I knew that growing up was the only reasonable option. I believed so surely that both sides of me were in the right. I knew this so deeply that sometimes I thought that my heart would split in two. One half flying away to Neverland and the other half charging into my future, leaving me broken in each destination.

What is very apparent to me now is that both dimensions of my thinking were plagued with many lies. Both Peter and Wendy had faulty ideas with what they believed would make them irrevocably happy. Neither clinging to my innocence nor skipping through to adulthood would bring me unfaltering satisfaction. Only discovering and then embracing a steady, true, and unfailing love would hold me together. I also needed to find complete contentment within the circumstances that I was living (which I must say, really weren’t all that terrible). And as I’ve fought against myself and my difficulties, I’ve realized that settling into contentment doesn’t mean that I have to accept when I am being treated poorly or failing in other ways. It just means that I have to embrace my current trials for what they are, find the light within them, and then decide whether or not I am in a position to yet move on to a new setting. Even when I have little control in my situations–which is the case the majority of the time–I can make the decision to move forward. I often torture myself by trying to control the things that I simply will never be able to control. So I’m learning how to let go. Being in total control of my future is too much pressure and it’s senseless to even pretend that I have the power to do so.

While I bloom into new, and hopefully improved, versions of myself through each season, I must come to accept that I cannot change the core of who and where I am. I no longer feel that great longing to be someone else because I’ve discovered that, with my ups and downs, I am pretty dang amazing! Most importantly, I now refuse to play the victim of the circumstances that I have no control over. Instead, I’ll change what I can and carry on through the rest, looking past what I can’t change. As Mumford & Sons says it best, “I will learn to love the skies I’m under.” Whether it’s the advancing warm and sunny days that my skin endlessly yearns for or the ones in which the sky mercilessly cries upon my temperamental curls, I will strive for a steady acceptance of me.

Love,

Celina Kay

P.S. But, seriously. Let’s be real here for a second. When it comes to the stomach flu, just run. Don’t waste any time faltering in the suspicious feeling of sickness to come. Flee from that awaiting misery. I just got over this specific situation a few days ago where my body literally started betraying me and I was dying (not quite so literally). Next time the skies of sickness come around, I’m skipping town…oh wait, I’ve just started to come down with a cold.

Well, I guess I’ll be gone for awhile. See ya!

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